Mock the Week - Series 7 Ep 3
[on sex and the elderly]
Frankie Boyle: Being married in your 60s is like being a member of the national trust. You have free access to an old ruin, but no-one wants to go there.
[on parental advice towards bullying]
Russell Howard: I’ve always had a bit of a lazy eye, and I still do, which caused me no end of trouble when I was younger. My dad, god bless him, gave me the worst possible advice on how to deal with bullies. So when they used to pick on me, I said: “How can you call my eye lazy when it wanders so freely.”
Russell Howard on Schools:
I remember school being a great time. there was this squinty eyed girl who was always banging her calculator against the desk. and one day, our teacher had enough and said: LYDIA, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I BANGED YOU AGAINST THE DESK?!
But now it’s more sinister. They’re talking about giving 5 year olds sex education.
“It’s disgusting, it’s immoral!”
“Calm down, they’re not going to teach them technique.”
*Slow humping movements, Barry White voice* “Yeah, that’s the way I like to do it, kids, that’s right.”
Kids aren’t going to go home and put dolls around a toy car and say: “Look Mum, they’re dogging. They’re dogging!”
It’s not going to be like that. It’s going to be some poor teacher trying to teach 5 year olds about love. Can you imagine a harder job? *kiddie voice* “Good luck with that sir, I’m off to lick that tree.”
You toothless buffoon.
———————————
“If this is the answer, what is the question?” round:
40 years
Frankie: Is it how long would I gladly follow Beyonce up an impossibly tall ladder?
Lucy Porter: Is it how long would it take to cook John Prescott?
Russell: Is it what is the youngest my balls have looked?
Hugh: Is it how much older does Dara look than Russell?
Frankie: Is it, on average, how long does it take me to knock one out to Loose Women?
Dara: Depends who’s on the panel I feel. That average can sway a lot.
Lucy: That’s a horrible image. I don’t want to be switching on thinking: “I wonder what Frankie Boyle’s doing right now.”
Frankie: *smugly interlocks fingers* “Well, it’s a sweet bet, Lucy… (laughter, pause) To be honest, even if I’m not watching it, it’s just that time of day.”
Andy: Is it what duration did Michael Jackson’s agent initially plan for his run at the 02 arena?
Frankie: Is it how long is it going to take for me to raise the finance for my self penned disaster porno film: 6911?
