JennaSayQuoi

26 Jul 2009

Mock the Week - Series 7 Ep 3

[on sex and the elderly]

Frankie Boyle: Being married in your 60s is like being a member of the national trust. You have free access to an old ruin, but no-one wants to go there.

[on parental advice towards bullying]

Russell Howard: I’ve always had a bit of a lazy eye, and I still do, which caused me no end of trouble when I was younger. My dad, god bless him, gave me the worst possible advice on how to deal with bullies. So when they used to pick on me, I said: “How can you call my eye lazy when it wanders so freely.”

Russell Howard on Schools:

I remember school being a great time. there was this squinty eyed girl who was always banging her calculator against the desk. and one day, our teacher had enough and said: LYDIA, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I BANGED YOU AGAINST THE DESK?!

But now it’s more sinister. They’re talking about giving 5 year olds sex education.
“It’s disgusting, it’s immoral!”
“Calm down, they’re not going to teach them technique.”

*Slow humping movements, Barry White voice* “Yeah, that’s the way I like to do it, kids, that’s right.”

Kids aren’t going to go home and put dolls around a toy car and say: “Look Mum, they’re dogging. They’re dogging!”

It’s not going to be like that. It’s going to be some poor teacher trying to teach 5 year olds about love. Can you imagine a harder job? *kiddie voice* “Good luck with that sir, I’m off to lick that tree.”

You toothless buffoon.

———————————

“If this is the answer, what is the question?” round:

40 years

Frankie: Is it how long would I gladly follow Beyonce up an impossibly tall ladder?

Lucy Porter: Is it how long would it take to cook John Prescott?

Russell: Is it what is the youngest my balls have looked?

Hugh: Is it how much older does Dara look than Russell?

Frankie: Is it, on average, how long does it take me to knock one out to Loose Women?
Dara: Depends who’s on the panel I feel. That average can sway a lot.
Lucy: That’s a horrible image. I don’t want to be switching on thinking: “I wonder what Frankie Boyle’s doing right now.”
Frankie: *smugly interlocks fingers* “Well, it’s a sweet bet, Lucy… (laughter, pause) To be honest, even if I’m not watching it, it’s just that time of day.”

Andy: Is it what duration did Michael Jackson’s agent initially plan for his run at the 02 arena?

Frankie: Is it how long is it going to take for me to raise  the finance for my self penned disaster porno film: 6911?

21 Jul 2009

Grace Dent Twitter

16 Jul 2009

Gems from Digital Spy (13)

A Vision of Rodrigo

Rodrigo standing in the centre of one of the dance floors at manumission, on ibiza.

on the stage several naked performers are simulating/having sex, to a soundtrack of the loudest techno you have ever heard. above the dance floor, in cages suspended by wires, naked girls wield foam-squirters that they aim at the public.

on the dance floor people are writhing around in a combination of flour, foam, baby oil, beer, wine and sniffers.

a group of loved-up london types, half-naked, exhausted, currently experiencing fifteen different levels of reality, are bounding up and down spilling their drinks over each other.

rodrigo, in his immaculate boy-scout-from-top-man uniform, with his hair moulded into it’s perfect prefect-shape is saying…

“would you do this in your own house?”

Heel, I Say Heel you Bitch!!!!!

Well Lisa may as well have said that to Karly and Karly like the good little dog she is just did that

She trotted after her licking her arse as she went

All this codswallop about Karly being a tough tell it how it is woman is utter sh*te

She is Lisa’s lapdog pure and simple, funsuckers the both of them

What was the Rebellion about?

well whatever it was, it was not

karly lisa at the bus stop chewing their fingers, rollies, insides of their faces.

marcus leering over noirin.

siavash having a stop.start.stop.start conversation about what. he. is. and. what. he. isn’t. with somebody.

rodrigo sitting in the kitchen eating his ready brek and keeping the creases on his trousers parallel by concentrating…really….hard.

sophie hunched up in a big cardie/dressing gown with her eyes puffy from thinking about things like why cats like milk.

etc etc.

at least it was SOMETHING DIFFERENT AFTER SIX WEEKS.

however shoddy and short-lived it was.

16 Jul 2009

Gems from Digital Spy (10)

Dennis from BB9: has there ever been a housemate more loveable?

With his sense of savoir faire and wit, his demise from last year’s series signalled its death knell for many of us I’m sure. Will we ever see his like again?

He breathed in air, he breathed out light. 

Yes, and despite Rachel’s relentless bullying and constant diminuitive comments, he still left with grace and dignity.

I actually felt sad when he was removed from the house in such an unjust manner. It was Mo’s fault for getting in the way of Dennis’ far superior saliva.

Sadly I think he was the victim of jealous males in the production team.

He was so warm and compassionate. Never a cross word. A scholar and a gentleman as my dear nan would say (god rest her soul). I believe he took up a job at Amnesty International and at weekends he helps out at the RSPCA.

Everything about him seemed to breath of that Old World charm and nobility. He was a man out of time and place, almost too beautifully poetic to live. When even a Brian Belo appearing on BBLB immediately picks up on the parrallels to Gustav von Aschenbach in Death in Venice, we know we are dealing with a peerlessly elegaic visionary. The question is: Did we deserve a Dennis in our lives, no matter how briefly?

Loved this.

Ah well, as Keats said *truth is beauty, beauty truth - tis all ye know on earth and all ye need to know*

Do not question the perfection, just enjoy. I am a tad disappointed he has not been recalled to perform one of these retro tasks this week. We could have gazed upon him one last time before we bid adieu.

A true humanitarian that one. He only did it to prevent others from physical harm.

What a lovely man, cleaning everyone’s faces when they need it. Lisa would do well to take heed!
I thought of it less as ‘spit’ and more as ‘the fountain of human goodness’ - he was just so full of love for humankind he overflowed a bit, is all.
Ah, but like a fragile butterfly in a gale, would not our crude collective gaze tear apart his aching, Proustian psyche? And would we not need a Grail to salve the wound of this Fisher King?

Oh Appollonian Youth, flee from our eyes as the stag flees form Diana!

May I add that as a denizen of Edinburgh that “The Royal and Ancient Tradition of the Spitting of the Dennis” is an integral rite of passage in “Auld Reekie”, and no man may consider himself as its proud son unless he has been anointed by the salivic globules of Dennis McHugh. He was merely and generously transposing this tradition down to London, and predictably his noble intentions were completely misunderstood by the vulgar oafs both within the house and those who comment on it from without. A plague on their stupidity and wretchedness!

I despised the oily tub of lard as soon as I laid my poor, unsuspecting eyes upon him…I think it was the fact you could see his nostrils even when he was looking dead on into the camera. The same with Victoria Beckham.
How very dare Mo have caused the spittle to escape Dennis’s mouth and set it upon his own face, he obviously was trying to make himself appear in a good light. We Dennis lovers know the truth.

16 Jul 2009

“Writing is like sausage making in my view; you’ll all be happier in the end if you just eat the final product without knowing what’s gone into it.”
—

George R. R. Martin

http://grrm.livejournal.com/92848.html